one step at a time...

Today was a beautiful day. Today was the birthday of a very good friend who passed away a few years ago. It's hard to imagine life will someday cease for each of us. I haven't been faced with death to many times but with each it becomes a little easier to deal with. I've always felt at peace with loss and the image of heaven. But this year has been filled with so many gifts of life that I had honestly forgotten to even think it could happen any other way.

With the birth of my son I felt so unimaginably blessed. I will never forget the moment he graced us with his presence, his perfect little cry. I became a mother! Now I live for him, I would die for him. He's asleep here next to me and with each little raspy breath I can't help but fight tears. I understand now what it might possibly feel like to lose a child. I'm a mommy! I couldn't imagine the pain...He holds my heart so tightly in his tiny hands.

Today I was playing with him, bouncing and singing while he layed on my legs. As I reached to pull him onto my chest, in a second, I realized his little arm didn't quite turn that way. I saw in his face that I had pulled, maybe just a smidge, the wrong way. In an instant I knew to pull him close because there it was, the build up for an inevitable wail!! Oh that cry could have me on my knees. We cried together. I hurt my baby. Ok of course I didn't MEAN to and maybe it wasn't even as bad as i'm making it sound but that cry just had me! I don't think i've cried like that in a very VERY long time. I just kept repeating, "I'm sorry! I love you!". He stopped crying much sooner than I did but that was really hard. I had to share this, I needed to get it off my chest...I can't help but feel guilty! Today i've looked at him differently...he is my gift. A gift I will cherish and hold as close as possbible for as long as I can.

I will always keep the friends i've lost in my heart and their families in my prayers.

Wishes for the future...

I wish I could have more days like these...years and years of perfection!

I wish my son will someday recognize how much his parents love him! Deep-deep-gut-wrenching-soul-shaking love!!

Wish I could become a better more insightful writer, articulating my words to actually mean something more than a ramble!

I wish my honey would ask me to marry him...not because i want some outlandish white wedding or some cheesy huge ring but because I truly madly deeply love him! With all my heart I know we could make it...we WILL stand the test of time, i'm confident about that.

I wish I could find that perfect job where I could spend unlimited time with my precious little cherub AND make some extra cash to lighten my honeys load.

Wish people could all be this happy! This one I am very VERY sure about. I wish people could share in my happiness. In this moment I am wishing for happy thoughts and my favorite...peace.

I wish things could stay just how they are...perfect :)

Lazy Dayz

I love days where I can really enjoy my son! Lay here and just suck in all his beautiful little features. He makes me truly happy! Loving him...

Anyway!! This last weeked was Dougs birthday. We went to Monkey Business for pizza and games with his family. The baby had loads of fun. Oh and that reminds me. We went to the bowling alley a few nights before that and Trykk was lit up with smiles!! He had sooo much fun! Seriously...talking!, yelling, playing with his toys and smiling so huge! We couldn't get enough. Back to birthday- Doug enjoyed his cards and then went out with friends. That wasn't really his best idea but oh well he's been forgiven haha. Saturday we went to a car show and then his businesses open house grand opening for their new shop. That was a really good time of course! The baby was asleep in Mommy for most of it ha!!

Sunday was a different story because I wasn't feeling so hot...turns out Mommy got strep throat!!! AGH! Daddy to the rescue! I'm lucky enough to have a fabulous loving caring man in my life who is willing to stay home and take care of his son while I sleep all day. What a blessing because I really needed it!

Feeling much better that's for sure...now I need to clean my house!! Scrub out the sickness :)