one step at a time...

Today was a beautiful day. Today was the birthday of a very good friend who passed away a few years ago. It's hard to imagine life will someday cease for each of us. I haven't been faced with death to many times but with each it becomes a little easier to deal with. I've always felt at peace with loss and the image of heaven. But this year has been filled with so many gifts of life that I had honestly forgotten to even think it could happen any other way.

With the birth of my son I felt so unimaginably blessed. I will never forget the moment he graced us with his presence, his perfect little cry. I became a mother! Now I live for him, I would die for him. He's asleep here next to me and with each little raspy breath I can't help but fight tears. I understand now what it might possibly feel like to lose a child. I'm a mommy! I couldn't imagine the pain...He holds my heart so tightly in his tiny hands.

Today I was playing with him, bouncing and singing while he layed on my legs. As I reached to pull him onto my chest, in a second, I realized his little arm didn't quite turn that way. I saw in his face that I had pulled, maybe just a smidge, the wrong way. In an instant I knew to pull him close because there it was, the build up for an inevitable wail!! Oh that cry could have me on my knees. We cried together. I hurt my baby. Ok of course I didn't MEAN to and maybe it wasn't even as bad as i'm making it sound but that cry just had me! I don't think i've cried like that in a very VERY long time. I just kept repeating, "I'm sorry! I love you!". He stopped crying much sooner than I did but that was really hard. I had to share this, I needed to get it off my chest...I can't help but feel guilty! Today i've looked at him differently...he is my gift. A gift I will cherish and hold as close as possbible for as long as I can.

I will always keep the friends i've lost in my heart and their families in my prayers.